Purpose in Pain: No Guilt in Grace!
Guilt in grace? Sound a little strange? You see, Satan has a funny way of condemning you no matter what you’re doing. If you’re upset, he may tell you that you should suck it up and quite all the self-pity. (Sometimes, when appropriate, God may say that to you as well, so you’d better be spending time with Him so you can tell the difference!) I experienced the opposite. Here I was, at what was the lowest moment of my life, and yet I was hopeful and positive. This was NOT of myself! I never imagined being able to have that kind of peace.
Anytime I had ever let the thought of losing a baby enter my mind I would immediately cringe and imagine that I would be so knocked down by such a tragedy that I would lock myself away and not leave the house (or maybe even my room) for as long as possible. But the truth is I have secluded myself more when having a cold than I did after losing this baby. Despite our painful loss, I was overcome by this incredible need to be with people and to share the love and peace that God had given me. I could hardly wait until Sunday to be with my church family and to let them see, that by His power, I was ok!!
In the midst of these feelings the Lord had given me there were other nagging questions in the back of my mind. As Tim and I sat in the waiting area about to be called back to prep for the surgery that would physically take my baby from me, I was a mixture of emotions. I wasn’t falling apart, but shouldn’t I be? Was it right that the people in the waiting area with me would not know that I has just suffered such a devastating loss? And once called back, should I really attempt to smile when I met the nurses and orderly? Wasn’t that wrong? They knew why I was there. Wouldn’t they think something was wrong with me if I didn’t appear distraught? I felt so conflicted, the feelings I thought I should have and the consistent feeling of peace I did have were at war within me. As I contemplated these questions in my mind, this still, small voice spoke to my spirit, “You don’t have to fall apart. I have given you peace. Let them see Me.”
So there is no need to feel guilty for the grace God may give you in the midst of your trial. Let them see Him! The scripture tells us many times to rejoice in trials, count it all joy (James 1:2-3), for the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Even in suffering we can be holy (set apart) for Him. Trust in the only One who can turn your mourning into dancing! (Psalm 30:11) Don’t let Satan tell you that being at peace is wrong. I was suffering greatly at this time (and still have rough moments), but by His grace I had peace in my heart though the storms of life continued to rage around me. God is so good!
“Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.” Romans 5:3 (Amplified Bible)
