Full Disclosure

I’m struggling, and I’m ticked off about it! 🙂 Here I am “stuck” in paradise, and I can’t get my faith or my emotions to cooperate.

While I always do my best to approach circumstances from a positive and Biblical perspective I never want to give the impression that I am without struggles! Quite the opposite! Like many women I know, I have battled fear, anxiety, depression and emotional instability for about as long as I can remember. Each day is a delicate balance between striving to be the wife, mother and woman I long to be and yet being reminded on a nearly hourly basis of just how far I still have to go.

This being said, I am a firm believer in the truth of Proverbs 18 which tells us that our words are containers for power, whether for good or for evil and that we will have the fruit of them. Because of this I choose to speak life regardless of how I feel. My typically positive approach is not a front or a fake. It is a decision that I have come to after many years of trial and error. I still have a long way to go, but as I open my mouth and speak positive and close my mouth, refusing to give voice to the negative thoughts in my mind, I find the truth of the Scripture playing out over and over again as the power of His word and my hopeful expectation of what He is doing and is going to do through my situations calms my spirit and heals my soul.

But lately I have not been doing such a good job…In complete transparency, I am having a bit of a tough time right now. This transition is going to take a little longer than expected to get settled into our new home. Our lives have been in limbo most of this year beginning with Tim’s continuous travel starting in March, the decision to move, the selling of our home, the buying of another home, and now what is going to end up being over a month of being homeless as we await the completion of the renovations. 🙂 Two weeks at my parents’, 3 or more weeks at his parents’, and him traveling Monday through Friday for work, is most definitely exhausting. I figured it up this morning and realized for one reason or another I have only slept through the night twice in the last 3 weeks! I will say this year has given me a slight insight into how hard it is to be a single parent, and I admire those of you who are even more so.

Despite the exhaustion and slight unrest of the situation the worst part is the fact that I’m struggling at all! I am with family who loves us, and I am currently in beautiful Southwest Florida that may very well have been the inspiration for the word paradise! It is so easy to beat myself up for my moments of weakness and discontentment. Being displaced for a month with two kids and a dog with the hubby constantly traveling can get a little tough, but it is all for good reasons, and the Lord is continually showing us that He is in every detail of this move!

I’m so thankful that David was so transparent. As we read the Psalm we see a man who clearly struggled with depression and doubts and yet was called  “a man after God’s own heart.” The Lord continued to love David and pour out blessings on him. So thankful He doesn’t give up on us even when we come so close to giving up on ourselves. He promises we will find Him when we seek Him with our whole heart, and in Isaiah we are told that if we wait on Him He will renew our strength. What awesome promises that we can lean on in times when we feel emotionally blah and spiritually empty. He is there for us, and thank goodness that even when we lack faith He is faithful. So glad my “spirituality” does not dictate His faithfulness!

“Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:” Psalm 103:1-2

See! David even had to have a talk with his soul to tell it to bless the Lord…guess it wasn’t cooperating! 🙂 Praise God there’s hope for me! 🙂