Purpose in Pain: Proper Mourning
Well, for the first month after we lost the baby (in 2011) I was daily standing in awe of God and the fact that He was keeping me in such peace.
Sure, I had my moments. But that’s just what they were, moments. I’d tear up out of the blue, get sad, and just need to either be held by Tim, hold Mikaela, or just be alone. But after a short while it would pass and I was able to move on. Then, on a Saturday night in late March, I was in bed alone, reading, and it hit me. All of a sudden I felt this intense grief and pain overtake me. I began to cry harder and louder than I had since everything happened. I was overwhelmed, and I was confused. What was this? Where was it coming from? What do I do with it? Part of me said, “Feel it.” And a larger part said, “Fight it.”
The next morning I was still just barely holding it together. With tears brimming my eyes I made it through the motions of getting ready, making it to church, and singing in the choir. The choir special that day got me chocked up, and I just made it to my seat before a few tears began to fall. I quickly dabbed them away and resolved myself to focus on the sermon and put aside all of these emotions. Well, our pastor gets up, turns to the book of Job and says, “Today we are going to talk about mourning.” I lost it! As he began to read from chapter 3 (where Job gives voice to all his pain, and even asked why he didn’t die in his mother’s womb) I ran out of Kleenex and was in such a pitiful state I can only imagine what everyone around me was thinking.
At first I was angry, “Why God? Why when I’m feeling like this do You let this be the sermon I have to sit through? Aren’t I hurting enough?” I have never before truly felt like a sermon was just for me, but that day’s message could have been said to me if it were only the pastor and I talking in his office. As he continued, I realized this was a message of healing. A message God had for me to show me how to deal with all I was feeling.
In a nutshell, the pastor explained that when tragedy strikes the first thing you need to immediately do is begin to build yourself up in the Lord so when the painful, negative thoughts enter your mind you will be able to stand on what you know is true. Build yourself up and then allow yourself to mourn.
You see, Job gave voice to his pain, and in so doing only made things worse and opened the door for Satan to attack him on a mental/emotional level. (Because our words have power. Prov. 18:21) If we immediately speak those things we know to be true from scripture, for example: God will never leave me. (Heb. 13:5) My times are in His hands. (Ps. 31:15) God has great plans for me. (Jer. 29:11) God will work this out for my good. (Rom. 8:28) God is my strength. (Prov. 18:10) I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)…then our spirit is strong and able to stand under the pressures of our circumstances, because we will know that we are more than conquerors through Him Who loves us! (Rom. 8:37)
I realized God was telling me that day, “You have built yourself up in Me. Now you need to let yourself feel this and properly grieve this loss.” The beauty of it all is that we do not grieve as the world grieves, because we have hope and the assurance of a better day, of promises fulfilled. (1 Thes. 4:13) And I know that He is holding my baby until I have the chance to do so.
