Helpmate or Boss Lady – Which role am I playing in my marriage?
I love my husband. I respect his authority, and I admire his wisdom….but I don’t always let him use those gifts which he so adequately possesses. I mean he has some great ideas…mine just seem better. He does a lot of great things. He just doesn’t always do them the “right” way. I’m just trying to help! I mean, I know he means well, but….well, didn’t God give me to him to be his helper? If you think about it, I’m just trying to do my job, fulfill my calling, serve the Lord with gladness…do I have any sisters out there?
All joking aside, I am not deaf to the fact that this is not exactly the best way to honor my husband. In chapter 7 of No More Perfect Marriages , pointedly titled, “The Dishes Go in the Dishwasher Only One Way,”Jill makes this statement, “When winning is more important than listening, or when a spouse feels their way is the right way and their spouse’s way is the wrong way, it is crushing to their
partner who doesn’t feel heard or valued.” Jill, you’re killing me!!!! The truth really does hurt. My friends, coming face to face with these hard, ugly truths about ourselves is part of that dying to self thing we hear so much about.
Proverbs 21:23 says, “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” Might we say the woman who does this could keep her marriage out of trouble…or at least spare it quite a bit of drama? Selah….
So here I am cruising along, happily enjoying my journey through this great book when I come to this, “Acceptance seems pretty easy when we’re dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! Acceptance is the action of fully receiving someone for who they completely are without trying to change, alter, or CORRECT them.” (Emphasis added because that’s the way it looked to me when I came across these words!) Oh man, did they have to throw that last one in? I can scoot past the first two. All well-meaning, God-seeking, Christ-sharing wives know to warn any of our unmarried or newly married friends that you should never enter marriage with the intent to change your spouse (even in the area of toilet paper roll refill…(click HERE if you missed that confession.), but to say that to accept our spouse means not correcting them, oh me! If there’s a thorn in the side of our marriage this it is!! If Tim says it’s 89 degrees, I have to make sure he knows it’s actually 91. If he says we live 15 minutes from the mall, I have to jump in and say it actually takes 12. Hey, at least I know I have a problem!
On page 141 Jill says, “I’ve decided it’s more important to do what’s right than it is to be right.” To which my flesh screams, “But, Jill what if I am right???!!!!” Then I see the first part…do right, and the Holy Spirit reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13 where it say love does not seek its own. So I find myself backed into a corner…it’s fight or flight time, and then I am gently reminded that in God’s way of doing things there is another option…I can die to self, give up my need to be right, and in doing so truly begin to experience God’s best for my marriage. Which, let’s face it, will far surpass any illusion I may have of creating the perfect marriage.
“ Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7
Why is acceptance so hard for me? I actually think it’s pretty clear, though I don’t want to admit it. It’s pure and simple pride…ugly, nasty, frustrating pride. What does it say to my husband when I am constantly correcting or questioning him? What does it say when I am constantly struggling with the way he may do things, or for instance, the way he drives. What does it say to the one I have committed to love more than anyone else on this earth if I am constantly unsatisfied with him? If I am supposed to be the closest human expression he has in this world of God’s love for him then how on earth is he feeling that love and acceptance if I am constantly judging, correcting and questioning? Ouch! This hurts! But let us not forget, often it is only by being broken down that He can truly build us up into all He has called us to be!
I encourage you to get your own copy of No More Perfect Marriages.
See all posts from my Book Review of No More Perfect Marriages…
